7 Things NOT to Do After Finding Out About Your Partner’s Affair

By: Adam Nisenson, LMFT, CSAT, Betrayal Trauma Coach

Discovering that your partner has had an affair is a gut-wrenching experience that can leave you reeling with confusion, anger, and pain. In the aftermath of partner betrayal, it’s natural to feel lost, unsure of what to do next, or even how to begin processing the emotions that are flooding in.

However, just as important as the steps you take to cope with this situation are the steps you don’t take. As a man navigating this deeply personal and painful journey, there are several key things to avoid that can make a significant difference in your healing process.

Here are seven crucial things not to do after finding out about your partner’s affair:

1. Don’t Self-Medicate

In moments of intense emotional pain, it can be tempting to reach for a drink, drugs, or other substances to numb the hurt. While self-medicating might offer temporary relief, it ultimately exacerbates the pain and can lead to long-term issues. Alcohol, drugs, or other vices will not help you process the betrayal; instead, they can cloud your judgment and deepen your emotional turmoil. The path to healing is difficult, but it requires facing your emotions head-on, not drowning them out.

2. Don’t Stalk or Spy on Her

It’s understandable to want to know what your partner is doing or to confirm whether the affair is truly over. However, stalking, following, or obsessively monitoring her will only drive you further into a spiral of anxiety and paranoia. These behaviors not only erode your mental well-being but can also prevent you from focusing on your own healing. Instead of constantly checking up on her, concentrate on what you need to do to heal and regain control over your life.

3. Don’t Confront or Attack the Other Individual

The urge to confront or even physically harm the other person (acting out partner) can be overwhelming. You may feel justified in wanting to lash out, but doing so will only lead to more trouble—legal and otherwise. Engaging in violence or revenge will not ease your pain, and it could result in serious consequences that will complicate your life even further. Focus on your own recovery, healing and boundaries rather than giving power to the person who played a role in your suffering.

4. Don’t Engage in an Affair Yourself

In your vulnerable state, you might find yourself tempted to seek comfort in the arms of another person, either to numb your pain or as a form of retaliation. However, this will only complicate your situation and could potentially lead to further emotional harm. An affair, whether emotional or physical, will not solve your problems; it will only add more layers of hurt and betrayal, making the healing process even more challenging. Stay clear of temptations and focus on your own emotional health and integrity.

5. Don’t Make Hasty Decisions

The emotional turmoil you’re experiencing might push you towards making quick decisions—whether it’s filing for divorce, moving out, or making significant financial changes. However, your judgment is likely clouded by pain and anger right now, and decisions made in haste are often regretted later. Take the time to let your emotions settle before making any life-altering choices. Give yourself the space to think clearly about what you truly want for your future.

6. Don’t Isolate Yourself

In times of emotional distress, many men tend to withdraw from others, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or just too overwhelmed to reach out. However, isolation can lead to a deeper sense of despair and loneliness, making it even harder to recover. Instead of retreating into yourself, seek out support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Opening up about your pain and sharing your experience with those who care about you can provide comfort and perspective.

7. Don’t Neglect Your Physical and Mental Health

In the midst of emotional chaos, it’s easy to let your physical and mental health fall by the wayside. You might skip meals, lose sleep, or stop exercising, which can take a serious toll on your overall well-being. Now, more than ever, it’s crucial to maintain a routine that supports your health. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep are vital to maintaining the strength you need to navigate this difficult time. Consider also engaging in activities like meditation, journaling, or therapy to support your mental health.

Moving Forward

The days, weeks, and months following the discovery of your partner’s affair will likely be some of the most challenging you’ve ever faced. It’s a time filled with emotional landmines and difficult decisions. While there’s no easy path through this pain, avoiding these seven pitfalls can help you maintain your integrity, protect your well-being, and set the stage for genuine healing—whether that means working through things with your partner or eventually moving on without her.

Remember, recovery from betrayal is a journey, not a destination. It requires time, patience, and support. If you find yourself struggling to cope or feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. As the Betrayal Shrink, my goal is to help men like you navigate this difficult process, offering guidance and support tailored specifically to the male experience of betrayal trauma. You’re not alone in this, and with the right strategies and support, you can emerge from this experience stronger and more resilient.

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All material provided in this blog is for informational purposes only. Direct consultation of a qualified provider should be sought for any specific questions or issues. Use of this material in no way constitutes professional services or advice.