Why Men Don’t Talk About Being Cheated On

By Adam Nisenson, LMFT, CSAT

The Betrayal Shrink

Let’s talk about the silence.

The suffocating, isolating silence that follows partner betrayal, and why so many men never say a word about it.

Men get cheated on. It happens more than most people realize. But you wouldn’t know that by looking around.

There’s no billboard, no book section, no cultural narrative that says, “Hey man, we see you. Your pain is real.” Instead, what you get is silence. And that silence isn’t strength. It’s survival mode. It’s shame. And it’s killing us.

The Cultural Silence Around Men’s Pain

From the time we’re boys, we’re fed the same message: Don’t cry. Be tough. Man up. Keep going. Emotional pain? That’s for someone else. So when a partner cheats on us, we have no idea what to do with that level of grief and confusion. There’s no script. No permission. Just a giant, echoing silence, and a mask to wear that says, “I’m fine.”

The truth? Most men aren’t fine. They’re devastated. But they’ve been taught there’s no room for that kind of honesty.

Shame Thrives in Silence

Betrayal already rips you apart. But when shame walks into that silence, it adds another layer of devastation.

Shame whispers:

• “You weren’t enough.”

• “You should’ve seen it coming.”

• “You must have failed as a man.”

And the more you believe it, the more you retreat. You go quiet. You smile when you’re supposed to. You crack jokes at work. You say you’re “doing okay.” But inside, you’re drowning.

That’s what shame does. It isolates. And that isolation feeds the trauma. It deepens the belief that you’re the only one going through this.

The Myth That Only Women Are Devastated

Let’s call it out: the cultural narrative about infidelity focuses almost exclusively on women. The heartbroken wife. The grieving girlfriend. The betrayed woman who collapses in tears.

But where’s the man?Where’s the guy who stayed loyal, who tried, who believed in the relationship, only to be blindsided? Where’s his story?

Right here.

You’re him. I was him. And the world hasn’t told our story, which means too many men think their pain doesn’t count. That’s a lie. And it’s time we start breaking it down.

Minimizing the Pain Is a Trauma Response

So many men respond to partner betrayal with, “It wasn’t that big of a deal…” or “We were already struggling…” or “I probably wasn’t meeting their needs…”

That’s not insight. That’s trauma. It’s your brain trying to make the betrayal less painful by rewriting the story. It’s your ego trying to regain control. But minimizing the wound doesn’t heal it. It buries it. And buried pain always finds a way to come back, usually in your next relationship, your body, your anger, or your addictions.

Emotional Suppression Doesn’t Work, It Just Numbs You

We’re trained to suppress. To keep our emotions locked down. Sadness gets swallowed. Fear gets hidden. And when betrayal hits? We go quiet. Stoic. Emotionally frozen. But here’s the truth:

Partner betrayal is one of the most emotionally violent experiences a man can go through.

And when that violence hits your nervous system, and you don’t have tools to feel or process it? You don’t grieve. You implode. You numb. You disappear into distraction, porn, drinking, work, control, anything that keeps the pain at bay.

The Role of “Being a Man” in Silencing Grief

“Be a man” often means “don’t show weakness.” So what happens when betrayal cracks you wide open?

You feel broken, but you don’t feel allowed to look broken. That disconnect creates chaos inside. You’re stuck between what you feel and what you’re allowed to show. So you shut it down. But that shutdown? It doesn’t make the pain go away. It makes it louder, heavier, and more dangerous.

The Cost of Silence

When you don’t talk about what happened, you don’t heal from it.

And when you don’t heal from it, the damage leaks out everywhere:

• Into your next relationship

• Into your body

• Into your inability to trust again

• Into your addictions, your irritability, your detachment

Silence doesn’t protect you. It just allows the trauma to grow in the dark.

Why This Conversation Matters

This is why I created this podcast. Why I wrote the book. Why I run men’s groups. Because your voice matters. And not just for you, for the next man who thinks he’s the only one carrying this pain.

When you speak your truth, you give other men permission to speak theirs.

You don’t have to share your story with the world. But you do have to stop pretending you don’t have one.

Let’s Make It Clear:

• Men don’t talk about being cheated on because we’ve been trained to stay silent.

• But silence feeds shame, and shame keeps us stuck.

• You are not weak for being betrayed. You are not weak for hurting.

• You don’t need to minimize your pain to make it palatable.

• You have the right to say: “I was betrayed. And it hurts like hell.”

You don’t have to stay quiet to be strong.You just need to be real.

And that starts now.

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All material provided in this blog is for informational purposes only. Direct consultation of a qualified provider should be sought for any specific questions or issues. Use of this material in no way constitutes professional services or advice.